September 2009

Japan’s Prime Minister Appears on Letterman Show

September 23, 2009 0:18 am
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World Economic Forum Japan Meeting 2009

Japan’s Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama made a surprise appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman on Tuesday in New York.

“Boy! Your hair is really wacky. Yuk-Yuk!,” snorkled Letterman, “how do you respond to accusations you took contributions from dead people?”

“First of all, I think it’s really important to realize my hair was unruly before the elections,” said Hatoyama, “and let’s not forget that dead people have a significantly lower carbon footprint than the living.”

“You’ve got the 2nd highest approval rating of any Japanese prime minister since Koizumi,” chorkled Letterman, “are you sure wacky hair doesn’t have something to do with it?”

“I’m just here to see the heart-shaped potato,” Hatoyama commented, “I’ve already seen heart-shaped daikon back home but eating giant white Japanese radish always gives me gas.”

“And, by the way, Dave,” deadpanned Hatoyama, “Congratulations on your big Emmy win.”

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In other news, Megan Fox in her latest film, “Jennifer’s Body,” proves she needs very large mechanical beings, fast cars, and big explosions to distract from her lack of acting talent.

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Chikan Obasan Slap the Monkey

September 19, 2009 17:17 pm
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Groups of predatory “meat-eating obasan” (nikushoku obasan) are using Twitter to organize “groping parties” (chikan pa-ti-) to terrorize “herbivore men” (soshoku otoko) on train lines in Tokyo, Japan.

Self-proclaimed “herbivore male” Hiki Komori said, “A group of obasan surrounded me, put their hands into my Doraemon underpants, and started slapping my monkey. I don’t even like to think about sex. I just want to bake herb bread at home.”

“Most young men today have no konjo, you know, balls, no, um, they lack the courage to speak out,” said self-proclaimed “leader of the pack” of the Tokyo Chikan-Obasan Federation, Koi Waisetsu, “Thus, it’s not a public nuisance and thus not against the law. And you know they like it.”

Self-proclaimed expert on things obasan, Jo-ji Saruno, “It’s not about slapping monkeys. It’s about power, domination, and repressed desire for Bae Yong Joon. Okay, it is about slapping monkeys.”

National Police Agency spokesman, Omaru Omawari, “I pay money every week in Kabukicho for obasan to slap my monkey, what’s your point?”

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In other news, Prime Minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama announced, “We have ordered a formal investigation into allegations that secret treaties between the United States and Japan allowed the manufacture, possession, and use of atomic monkey slappers.”

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Kanye: "Yo, IMMA not amused"

September 18, 2009 21:01 pm
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Kanye West was not amused by InvisibleGaijin’s post, Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos.

(Kanye your own site at: kanyethis.com)

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Noriko Sakai Press Conference Erupts in Chaos

September 18, 2009

Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Crasher Squirrel, and Serena Williams interrupted Noriko Sakai’s “gomennasai” press conference, which then erupted into chaos. Released on bail, Sakai began her carefully scripted, tearful, and heartfelt apology, confession of guilt, and acceptance of blame for all things wrong in Japanese society today, “Gomennasai, I’m druggie, loser, bad mother, estranged wife [...]

Train Groper Campaign Nets Second Arrest

September 15, 2009

Tokyo Metropolitan Police today announced the second arrest in the widely-publicized-thus-less-effective-than-it-would-have-been-if-it-was-a-complete-surprise anti-train groper campaign that was launched earlier this week. Aho Bakatare, a 49-year-old self-professed “mama’s boy,” was arrested when he was caught in the act of fondling the wheels of a Shinkansen train as it was leaving Tokyo Station, cutting off most of his [...]

New from Japan: Vacuum Cleaner for Women with Three Arms

September 15, 2009

Japanese appliance manufacturer, Panasanyo, has launched a line of vacuum cleaners for women with three arms (see photo above, right side). “In an age of diversifying consumer needs, we’ve decided to target the oxymoronic niche-niches, namely women with three arms,” said Panasanyo spokeswoman, Perky Oppai, “plus, three is a lucky number because it’s an Illuminati [...]

Another 59 Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin

September 14, 2009

The original 59 Ways to Tell if You’re a Gaijin, not a Gaikokujin list received a number of comments, including insightful observations and some great contributions from readers: You start stereotyping foreigners as other Japanese do. (Credit: Teltel) You fall asleep in the train and always wake up just before the station you have to [...]

Kimba the White Lion Arrested and Hospitalized

September 8, 2009

Kimba the White Lion has been hospitalized for schizophrenia, following his arrest in Shibuya for obstruction of justice and suspicion of possession/usage of synthetic baboon turd known as “apeshit” at all-night, outdoor “rave” parties frequented by over-the-hill-but-still-kawaii idol singers of the 80s. Stopped by Japanese police for “routine” questioning, Kimba the White Lion allegedly became [...]