December 2009

Tiger Woods Pitches Japanese Sex Drink: “Is it on you?”

(Photo: Shinto Shrine Maidens preparing to be sacrificed at the annual “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” matsuri festival in Ookii Chinpoko, Kintama Prefecture.)

JAPAN (IG News)–Pocari Sweat, famed for being named after a bodily coolant, launched a new line of sexual energy drinks inspired by Tiger Woods and tag-lined “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese facial preferences.

Coca-Cola Japan, purveyor of the finest addictive beverages, counter-attacked  December 7th, a day that shall live in infamy, with Coke(tm) Lobotomy Lube(R) in a Facebook-cloned social media campaign called “Remember Red Pearl Necklaces!”

“I scream, you scream, we all es cream for Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice,” gushed Shrine Maidens Perky Oppai and Shirigaru Onna, who then whined gutturally in their best moe voices, “Onii-chan (older brother) please touch me nau \{>v<};/<< orz<3 >> EOT.”

Dancing ST-HO @TandyChews BIMHO commented “Once Otaku, Never Bakufu” channeling Chushingura, the epic tale of futile revenge in a blaze of glory ending in ritual group suicide in Nippon.

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In other news, Sexy Girls in the Crowd Go Wild.


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Tagged as: addictive, facebook, gaijin, google phone, humor, joke, politics, satire, sexy girls, Tiger Woods

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Tiger Woods Penis Festival is Big in Japan

TigerMatsuri
TOKYO — The Japanese people are busy preparing for celebrate 2010 as the “Year of Tiger Woods” including traditional fertility festivals featuring o-mikoshi mobile penis shrine parades.

“The new year, 2010, will be the year of the Tiger in the traditional lunar calendar,” explained Shinto priest Ookii Chinpoko, “and the Tiger is the symbol of power, virility, and compulsive shagging.”

“Kawaii! I bet that shaft is stiff yet controllable,” cackled Ecchina Obasan, “and the over-sized head will surely hit my sweet spot but good.”

PR spokesperson for corporate sponsor Sagami Rubber Co., Ltd. Perky Oppai panted, “Tiger Woods is the prefect pitchman for our new line of ‘Huge’ condoms.”

Sports drink maker Pocari Sweat announced a new line of sexual energy drinks called, “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” with the slogan, “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese cultural preferences.

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In other news, Japanese prime minster Yukio Hatoyama announced his decision to take an “indefinite” leave from making any decisions on anything.

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Tagged as: advertising, big in japan, joke, penis, satire, Tiger Woods

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Japanese Women in Executive Posts Decline to only 2.0% in Govt., 3.6% in Business

Geisha-kyoto-2004-11-21.jpg.scaled.1000Photo Credit: Daniel Bachler Creative Commons Attribution ShareAlike 2.5
Women in Japan: You Haven’t Come a Long Way, Baby
According to survey results released by the Cabinet Office today, Japanese women comprise:
67.1% of Pharmacists
33.2% of Deliberation Councils
16.0% of Judges
13.0% of Researchers
11.3% of National Elected Officials
8.2% of Regional Elected Officials
5.7% of Regional Senior Bureaucrats
1.3% of Mayors
Given the bullshit that goes along with executive-ness in Japan, perhaps Japanese women are simply displaying infinite wisdom in avoiding positions of “power.”
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In other news, Wendy’s to exit Japan’s hamburger market as licensee Zensho focuses on its Sukiya beef bowl business, commenting, “if you’re going to kill Japanese people, might as well be with Japanese fast food.”

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Tagged as: geisha, maiko, News, sexy girls

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2009′s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

ShinKizuna

2009′s kanji 新 (shin) or “new” + Hatoyama’s 絆 (kizuna) or “relationship” =「新絆」or “new relationships” as in Tiger Woods.

 

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Tagged as: 2009 kanji, gaijin, humor, joke, politics, satire, Tiger Woods, Yukio Hatoyama

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Japan Hints at Concrete Proposals on U.S. Air Base

Japan Gates
TOKYO — Japan’s prime minister Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, said Wednesday that he wants to present concrete proposals to President Barack Obama next week in hopes of ending a growing rift between his new government and Washington over an American military air base in Okinawa.
Mr. Hatoyama did not disclose the content of the proposals except to say, “Cement, sand, and gravel. Mix well. Pour.”
Foreign MInister “Kit” Katsuya Okada denied allegations the concrete proposals would also include crushed limestone, retorting, “Ridiculous! Everyone knows Japanese gravel gives superior tensile strength to concrete.”
Defense Minister Toshimi “And that’s not Sashimi” Kitazawa currently touring Guam’s strip joints, shooting galleries, and duty-free stores, stated, “Boy, Guamanian concrete sure is niiice!”
Okinawan Governor Hirokazu “Okazu-ya” Nakaima stated, “We have suffered enough. The Ryukyuan people want both Japanese and U.S. concrete out now. Ryukyu Libre!”
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In other news, Tiger Woods announced his own economic stimulus program and began pumping millions of dollars in hush money into the economy.

 

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Tagged as: Futenma, humor, joke, marine corp air station, military, satire

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Tiger Woods Struck Down by the Wrath of the Gods

December 8, 2009

WINDERMERE, Fla. — Orange County firefighters responded to a medical call at the residence of Tiger Woods on Tuesday morning. The call was received at 2:36 a.m. Aerial photography shows what appears to be a gigantic white arrow stuck in Tiger Woods’ $2.6 million house. Orange County Fire officials were unable to disclose further information [...]

Tagged as: humor, joke, satire, Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods Mistresses #13~#17

December 8, 2009

USO Magazine, popularly known in Japan as “Uso-Jin,” today released putative photos of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses #13~#17, quoting a purported transcript of a rumored voicemail from Tiger Woods to #13, ”Yes, you’re all my bitches but I loves you best. Huge.” # # # In other news, Japanese golf sensation, Ryo Ishikawa, expressed his dream [...]

Tagged as: humor, joke, satire, Tiger Woods

Exclusive: Tiger Woods’ Fifth Mistress Comes Forward

December 6, 2009

Fune Isono, mother of famed Japanese TV star Sazae-san, admitted Sunday that she was the rumored fifth mistress of golfer Tiger Woods. “I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves,” said the mother of three children, “but Tiger is, well, a tiger in the futon. Woof-woof!” “I have no [...]

Tagged as: affair, michael jackson, mistress, ponyo, sazae-san, Tiger Woods, world's oldest woman

Exclusive: Secret US Weapon Deployed in Afghanistan

December 6, 2009

InvisibleGaijin.com has learned the United States deployed a top secret weapons platform in Afghanistan, the long-rumored “SANTA” system. Capable of omniscient surveillance, instantaneous global deployment, and unlimited payload capacity, SANTA is allegedly powered by a red-nosed reindeer code-named RUDOLF. “SANTA is the holy grail of non-lethal anti-terror weapons,” explained self-proclaimed “pro surfer” and defense analyst, [...]

Tagged as: afghanistan, funny, humor, joke, reindeer, rudolf, santa, satire, secret weapon

Scandal in Japan: Ponyo, “I had an affair with Tiger Woods!”

December 5, 2009

Ponyo, the little fish girl with the incredibly irritating theme song, revealed today that she had an affair with Tiger Woods for 31 months. “Tiger said we’d be together forever,” cried Ponyo, “but he dumped me for a skanky cocktail waitress.” InvisibleGaijin has obtained a voicemail message left by Woods on Ponyo’s mobile phone. “Ponyo? [...]

Tagged as: humor, ponyo, satire, Tiger Woods

Big in Japan: Kangaroo Sake

December 3, 2009

Sake brewed in the pouches of kangaroos is a hit product in Japan, especially among young females who will buy anything if it is sufficiently kawaii and gets them drunk. “Redolent of marsupial sweat, the aroma has fine back tones of eucalyptus-infused Koala dung,” said self-professed sake aficionado Nanimo Shiranai, “a perfect complement to three-day-old [...]

Tagged as: gaijin, humor, japan trends, joke, kangaroo, sake, satire

New Post-Crash Tiger Woods Ad for Accenture

December 2, 2009

Tweet Related Posts:Japanese Deny Cruelty to Horses in FestivalTiger Woods Pitches Japanese Sex Drink: “Is it on you?”Boy Hunting Season Opens in JapanTop Ten Tourist Discoveries in JapanNEWS: Gatorade Drops Tiger Woods, Signs Canadian Women’s Ice Hockey Team

Tagged as: Accenture, golf, high performance, humor, joke, satire, sexy girls, Tiger Woods

News: Japan Launches 2.7 Trillion Yen Jobs Program

December 1, 2009

The Government of Japan announced today a new 2.7 trillion yen jobs program, “Santa’s Coming to Town,” as part of its economic stimulus package. “With cutbacks in the Bridges to Nowhere program, the number of flashlight-waving jobs has declined sharply,” said Ministry of Finance spokesperson, Dou Kechi, “thus we are spending 2.7 trillion yen to [...]

Tagged as: aidoru, cosplay, gaijin, humor, joke, ojisan, santa, satire

Michael Jackson Spotted in Hokkaido?

December 1, 2009

Michael Jackson, the dead King of Pop, was allegedly photographed yesterday sitting on a bench in Hokkaido freezing his sesame buns off. The dead King of Pop was apparently dressed as McDonald’s Japan Gaijin Stereotype Mr. James dressed as Ronald McDonald dressed as a convicted child molester. Japanese entertainment weekly Uso Bakkari claimed the dead King of [...]

Tagged as: balloon boy, gaijin, humor, joke, king of pop, mcdonalds, michael jackson, noriko sakai, satire