JAPAN (IG News) — The Emperor and Empress of Hinamatsuri unleashed thousands of hina-ningyo warrior dolls today to invade Korea in retaliation for Kim Yu-na’s victory over Asada Mao in the Vancouver Olympics.
“This shall be the mother of all Hinamatsuri,” intoned Emperor Jodan Desuyo, “Cry ‘Havoc!’, and let slip the dogs of war.”
Prime Minster Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama denied rumors that Japan was invading Korea in hopes of relocating the Futenma Air Station in Seoul, “Gee, I wish I’d thought of that!”
“I ate an onigiri before skating!” gushed Asada Mao as she nailed a triple axel, “I guess I should have eaten kimchi!”
Popular Japanese BBS 2ch, which was taken down by a band of Korean hackers known as The Yu-na Phish Sandwiches, declared, “Corea, yo mama is onara! We are releasing our secret weapon!”
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors it was recalling CEO Akio Toyoda to replace a sticky brain.