figure skating

Asada Defeats Kim at World Championships

TORINO (IG News) — Japan’s Asada Mao defeated Kim Yu-na of Korea today at the World Ferocious Face & Figure Skating Championships.

“Growl!” snapped Asada, who is not related to Mexico’s Carne Asada, “I’m so happy that I nailed the triple-brow-furrow and double-sneer combination!”

“Yarrrgh!” snarled Kim, who is not related to Korea’s Kim Chee, “I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that I will retire and become a pirate.”

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In other news, the Vatican announced the Catholic Church will stop using a pedometer as part of the interview process for prospective priests.

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Tagged as: asada mao, championships, figure skating, kim yu-na, satire, sexy girls

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BREAKING: Asada Mao Issues Tsunami Warning

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TOKYO (IG News)–Asada Mao, Olympic silver medalist, issued a tsunami warning for Japan today during her exhibition routine at the Vancouver Olympics.# # #

 

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Japan Mourns as Mao-chan Loses Gold to that Bitch Kim Yu-na

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TOKYO (IG News) — Millions of Japanese mourned the loss of the woman’s figure skating gold medal to that bitch Kim Yu-na of South Korea.

“Today, February 26th, a day that shall live in infamy,” said Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama before breaking down in tears, “I can’t believe Mao-chan lost to that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

Rioting broke out in front of the Republic of Korea embassy in Tokyo, as self-proclaimed “Mao-ists” clashed with Kim Yu-na supporters known as “Yu-na Sandwiches.”

“Mao-chan was robbed!” shouted Ninnikukusai Orewa, head of the Japan Federation of Old Farts, “Mao-chan nailed the triple axel, whatever that is, and is much more kawaii than that bitch Kim Yu-na.”

“In the spirit of the Olympic movement, what is important to remember is both athletes gave their best,” said South Korean President Lee “Yukke” Myung-Bak, “the Korean people’s joy has nothing to do with revenge for Japan’s oppressive colonization of Korea and cultural genocide of 1910-1945. Yeah, right. Who’s your daddy now?! Bwah-hah-ha!”

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In other news, Japanese Defense Minister Utsuzo Teppo denied rumors that Japan was planning to invade the disputed Takeshima islands early Saturday morning when the entire Korean nation will be waking up with the 엄마 of hangovers.

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Tagged as: asada mao, figure skating, gold, humor, kim yu-na, parody, satire, vancouver olympics

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UPDATE: Apple Bans “Miki Ando’s Cross and Cleavage Costume” App from the iTunes App Store

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CUPERTINO, California (IG News) — Apple announced today that it was removing the popular “Miki Ando’s Cross and Cleavage Costume” app from the iTunes App Store.

Philip “Da Prude” Schiller, head of worldwide product marketing at Apple, said, “We obviously care about dirty old men’s fantasies about Japanese figure skaters but in the end we have to put the needs of the kids and parents first.”

“We were getting customer complaints from women who found the costume too degrading and objectionable, as well as wives who were upset with what their husbands were able to see on mobile devices,” Mr. Schiller said.

“Ridiculous! Mikitty’s costume is not stimulating my prurient interest,” said Oyaji Sukebe, head of the Federation of Japanese Old Farts, “I do that with my hands.”

Pope “Eggs” Benedict XVI, the 265th and reigning Pope, by virtue of his office of Bishop of Rome, the head of the Catholic Church and Sovereign of the Vatican City State, said, “In oppai veritas.”

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In other news, South Korea called off an invasion of Japan after Kim Yu-na’s short program performance placed her in first place ahead of Japanese figure skater Asada Mao.

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Tagged as: app store, apple, banned app, figure skating, humor, joke, miki ando, Pope Benedict, satire, sexy girls

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EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Japan Figure Skater Asada Mao’s New Costume

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Tagged as: asada mao, figure skating, humor, joke, kazuhiro kokubo, olympics, satire, vancouver olympics

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