Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

Tarao “Tara-chan” Fuguta, the six-year-old boy feared to be aboard a flyaway dorayaki-shaped balloon, was found safe hiding in the attic of the Isono family home in the Asahigaoka area of Tokyo.

The tale of the “balloon boy” captivated and titillated Japanese audiences on an otherwise slow news day when no talento were arrested for drugs, naked dancing, or criminal lack of talent.

“Tara-chan,” one of the stars of the reality TV show, “Sazae-san,” got sick twice after blurting out “you said we did it for a show!” to his father, Masuo-niisan, when grilled by Tamori on a live broadcast of “Waratte Ii Tomo.”

The balloon boy’s mother, Sazae “Sazae-san” Fuguta, has confessed to the hoax, saying, “The network blames the show’s falling ratings on my sagging cartoon boobs. Even Masuo-niisan doesn’t want me like he used to. I was desperate for attention.”

The saga ended when the balloon crashed at Saga Airport and rescuers were shocked to find in the wreckage, not a little boy, but Crasher Squirrel, the long-forgotten internet meme, who commented, “This story should be about me, me, ME – I’m an internet meme, ha-hah-HAH!”

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In other news, fashion magazine Pinky announced it would suspend publication at yearend, stating, “Young women just aren’t interested in little fingers anymore.”

In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Japan’s Prime Minister, Taro “Dick” Aso, invoked the wildly popular internet meme, “Crasher Squirrel,” as voters go to the polls today to throw the bastards and old farts out.

Campaigning at the Harajuku Super-Yosakoi Extreme Matsuri, Aso said, “Who you gonna trust with the reins of power in Japan? Who’s gonna protect you and your family? Who’s gonna build an anime/manga/otaku museum? Me and this squirrel, that’s who!”

In rebuttal, Democratic Party of Japan leader, Yukio “The Bird” Hatoyama, scoffed, “If you think Japan’s voters will be swayed by a squirrel, you’re wrong – they want empty promises, not internet memes.”

Outspoken species-rights advocate, Arubaito Debuhito, screeched, “I am outraged at this exploitation of species stereotypes for political purposes. Everyone knows squirrels are not cute fuzzy little animals, they are vicious exploiters of defenseless nuts.”

Asked for comment, Crasher Squirrel said, “I’m a Libertarian but when they offered me peanuts from Chiba, well, I just had to say yes, you know?”

“With an oink, oink here.

And an oink, oink there.

Here an oink, there an oink,

Everywhere an oink, oink.”

With all due respect to the Japan Pork Producers Association, the real problem is not what influenza A H1N1 is called but the culture of fear the media is exacerbating.

There are reported cases of doctors in Japan refusing to examine people complaining of flu-like symptoms AND having 外人 friends OR having travelled in 外国. Doctors should know better – the risk of infection is real but can be managed.

We would all be better served by less “aren’t-we-lucky-it’s-a-gaijin-problem” smugness by TV announcers. We could certainly do with much less video of masked, gowned, and goggled medical staff running around at Narita.

Three things you can do to significantly reduce the risk of H1N1 infection (and the regular seasonal flu, which kills thousands of people every year in Japan):

1. Cover your mouth when you cough.

2. Don’t go to work if you have a fever, cough, sneezes.

3. Wash your hands regularly.

Duh. Your おばあちゃん could have told you that.