noriko sakai

Japan Legalizes Cocaine to Revitalize Economy

March 10, 2010 23:05 pm
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(Photo: Happy Obasan picking coca leaves in Shizuoka Prefecture.)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) — Prime Minister Yukio “Bird” Hatoyama announced today that Japan would legalize cocaine as part of a new economic revitalization and jobs creation program.

“Not only will this bold measure create jobs for Obasan in the countryside,” sniffed Hatoyama, “but it will also make the Japanese people feel better about the lack of true prospects for economic growth.”

“Sugoi! I feel like I could pick coca leaves all day!,” buzzed Henna Obasan, “And watch out when my Ojisan mixes viagra and coke with a shot of shochu! It’s like being 17 again! Bwah-ha-ha!”

“Outrageous! Cocaine is a gateway to Coca-Cola,” snorted Liberal Democratic Party chief Sadakazu “Little Dick” Tanigaki, “next thing you know no-talent talento will be injecting Fanta.”

Coca-Cola Japan announced a new drink product called “Diet Coke Coke” containing a 2% solution of cocaine and no sugar.

“Yes, Coke, Yes!” warbled spokesperson Perky Oppai, “Coke is it!”

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In other news, Mitsuya Cider launches “Cider Shock with Crystal Meth” featuring spokesperson and rehabilitated drug residue user Noriko “Da Nori-P” Sakai.

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Tagged as: cocaine, drugs, humor, joke, legalization, noriko sakai, obasan, ojisan, Sadakazu Tanigaki, satire, Yukio Hatoyama

Michael Jackson Spotted in Hokkaido?

December 1, 2009 15:35 pm
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Michael Jackson, the dead King of Pop, was allegedly photographed yesterday sitting on a bench in Hokkaido freezing his sesame buns off.
The dead King of Pop was apparently dressed as McDonald’s Japan Gaijin Stereotype Mr. James dressed as Ronald McDonald dressed as a convicted child molester.
Japanese entertainment weekly Uso Bakkari claimed the dead King of Pop is filming a new video, “This is Shit Too,” which features MJ rave-dancing with Noriko Sakai and “cuddling” the Balloon Boy.
Asked for comment, the dead King of Pop replied in Japanese, “Haaa? Maikeru? Chigau yo!” (translation: “It’s a new dance move, the Bench Walk!”).
FOX News reported that Bubbles the Chimpanzee is “overjoyed,” “looking forward to a reunion,” and, like the dead King of Pop, “opposed to healthcare reform.”
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In other news, Toyota denied rumors of signing Tiger Woods to endorse a new line of sudden-acceleration Lexus SUVs.

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

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Tagged as: balloon boy, gaijin, humor, joke, king of pop, mcdonalds, michael jackson, noriko sakai, satire

Exclusive Before and After Photos: Japanese Killer Gets Plastic Surgery, Gets Busted

November 10, 2009 23:18 pm
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Photos: Agencé Furyo_Gaijin

Gaijinkirai Kamo, the Japanese national accused of murdering a young British woman was arrested today after a nationwide manhunt, following the release of photographs taken before and after his extensive plastic surgeries.

National Police Agency spokesperson Omaru Omawari whined, “We’re just relieved we’ve caught this fugitive especially since we let him slip between our fingers in the first place. We also failed to anticipate just how far this dastardly criminal would go to change his appearance. I mean now he looks just like Taylor Swift, how were we supposed to know?”

Noriko Sakai, who was convicted on Monday of neglecting to throw away drug residue, acting way-too-cute-way-too-past-the-expiration-date, and marrying a self-proclaimed pro surfer, commented, “I plan to get a divorce, study care-giving, and then in three year pose nude to re-start my career when my suspended sentence is up. I’ll be baaack.”

When asked for comment, Perky Oppai, young Japanese woman on the street, said, “Wow, where did he get his bihaku treatment, I want to look like that! Kawaii!”

The unidentified caller who called the police was to receive a JPY 10 million reward but was stoned to death by neighbors, colleagues, and family members who became jealous and resentful of his windfall.

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In other news, the Michael Jackson tribute movie, “This is it!” failed miserably at the box office when the movie title was translated into Japanese as, “This is Shit!”

Posted via email from invisiblegaijin

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Tagged as: foreigner, gaijin, ichihashi tetsuya, japanese killer, lindsay, michael jackson, murder, noriko sakai, sexy girls

KitKat Flavors that Failed

September 2, 2009 13:10 pm
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Roasted Corn Flavored KitKat!

Nestle’s KitKat chocolate snacks undergo a magical transformation in the hands of Japanese marketers. Unique flavors like roasted corn, baked potato, and apple vinegar delight (or disgust) many visitors to Japan.

Clearly, the KitKat brand extension strategy is aiming for both publicity and micro-segmentation of target audiences in hopes of creating a “boom” hit product.

The Japanese consumer has been conditioned to expect a constant stream of “new” products – industry sources tell InvisibleGaijin that new products must cycle every 2.5 months or you can’t get shelf space at 7-11 convenience stores in Japan!

InvisibleGaijin has obtained a top-secret list of proposed KitKat flavors that failed. Here are some favorites.

“Ethnic” Flavors Series

(5) 豚キムチ (Kimchi Fried with Pork)

(4) Aussie Tiger (Meat Pie with Mash, Mushy Peas, and Brown Gravy)

“Oyaji” (old guy) Flavors Series

(3) Nama Shirako (raw cod testes)

(2) Pseudo-Beer + Cigarettes

“Celebrity” Flavors Series

(1) Noriko Sakai Signature Series: Roasted Crystal Meth (comes with 42 straws)

If you could propose a new KitKat flavor, what would it be?

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Tagged as: advertising, food, humor, joke, kitkat, noriko sakai, noripi, snacks