PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — Kim Jong-Eun ordered the execution of Jag-Eun Eumgyeong, North Korea’s top military commander, according to anonymous sources.
“The debate whether ‘size matters’ all started out in good fun,” said a high-level government official, who requested anonymity to avoid being turned into kimchee, “but the Supreme Leader was not amused by the general’s assertion.”
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In other news, Keanu Reeves’ upcoming film “47 Ronin” now titled “46 Ronin and a Gaijin.”
SHANGHAI (IG News) — A genitally-challenged bear’s coming out of the closet may have opened a path for China and Japan to resolve a territorial dispute.
“People are often surprised that I’m of average height,” Teenie Weenie Bear explained, “People just forget that, without a hyphen, Teenie modifies Weenie.”
“This is who I am and I’m proud of it,” said Teenie Weenie Bear, “My friend Ginormous Weenie Bear can’t fit into this fabulous AKB-48 tartan check skirt! Now that’s a tragedy.”
The impact of Teenie Weenie Bear’s coming out has created hope for a peaceful resolution to the territorial dispute between China and Japan.
Hu “Me?” Jintao, president of China, and Shinzo “Honest” Abe, prime minister of Japan, declared in a joint communique, “Our nations may disagree over the Sanrio Islands but we agree our Weenies are Teenie.”
US president Barrack Obama welcomed the news, stating “While we take no position on the territorial dispute, we stand united with China and Japan in having Teenie Weenies.”
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In other news, Chinese football fans missed Superbowl Sunday because in China it was Monday.
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In other news, the world ends, Mayan gods take rifles from millions of Americans’ cold, dead hands.
BAKABAKASHII, Japan (IG News) – Japan stunned the world today by conducting joint exercises with Godzilla near the disputed Sanrio island chain, known popularly as “Hello Kitty” in Japan and “Nihao Xiao Mao” in China.
“These islands belong to the world and must be used for the benefit of all people,” said the king of the kaiju, “Can we all get along? Or shall I go crazy on your ass?”
US intelligence officials denied allegations they failed to predict the appearance of the Japanese monster, “Categorically untrue. At the time, we were off-duty, drunk, and attempting rape.”
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In other news, North Korea denied its new satellite carries Kim Jong Eun’s secret stash of Twinkies.