(Photo Credit: Korean Central News Agency)

PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea called upon the people of North Korea to “give up their thumbs for Supreme Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Un.”

(Photo credit: Mainichi)

KYOTO, Japan (IG News) — Chahan Omori, chief priest of Yogoremizu Temple in Kyoto’s Higashi-Sonomamayama Ward, writes the kanji character for “bakayaro” (“TEPCO bites the big one”), which was chosen as the kanji character of the year, during an annual ceremony at the temple on Dec. 12.

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In other news, @TEPCO_CEO denies rumors that dangerous levels of rice have been discovered in TEPCO cesium.

(Photo Credit: China Daily)

BEIJING, China (IG News) — The Zombie Party of China (ZPC) elected today Jiang Zemin as its general secretary and president.

“Death is wasted on the dead,” proclaimed Jiang to cheers from millions of zombies gathered at the Wangfujing McDonalds, “and reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”

Popularly known as “Uncle Jiangshi,” Jiang explained the ZPC’s political vision, “Reviewing the course of zombie struggle and the basic experience over the past 80 years and looking ahead to the arduous tasks and bright future in the new century, our Party should continue to stand in the forefront of the times and lead the zombie in marching toward victory. In a word, the Party must always represent the requirements of the development of China’s advanced zombie productive forces, the orientation of the development of China’s advanced zombie culture, and the fundamental interests of the overwhelming majority of the zombie in China.”

ZPC spokesperson Ting Budong declined to comment on rumors of that Ichiro Ozawa and Yukio Hatoyama were planning to launch the Zombie Party of Japan (ZPJ).

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In other news, Japan upsets Germany at Women’s World Cup but both countries pledge to “remain BFF.”

(Photo Credit: Mainichi)

TACHI-SHOMBEN, Japan (IG News) — Millions of children squealed with delight as the Japanese pool-peeing season kicked off today across the nation.

“Ah, kimochiii!,” exclaimed elementary school student Oshikko Daisuki, “Ain’t nothing like the first pee of the season! I’ve been holding back for a week!”

The Japanese tradition of peeing in pools began in the Heian period (794 to 1185), as noted in Murasaki Shikibu’s classic novel, The Tale of Genji.

“Oh, Prince Genji, your honorable urination is redolent of wisteria blossoms wafting down from the heavens, and indeed its warmth is that of the early morning sun!”

Officials at TEPCO, operator of the containment-challenged Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant, denied allegations that American-made robots were peeing in pools used to cool spent fuel rods.

“Categorically untrue,” said TEPCO spokesperson Perky Oppai, “we have elderly volunteers who do that.”

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In other news, former China president Jiang Zemin announced today, “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated with Chinese characteristics.”

(Photo Credit: LIFE)

(Photo Credit: @doramimy)

TOKYO, Japan (IG News) – Doraemon, beloved robotic cat from the future, confessed today, “I have ears, I have always had ears, and I regret hiding my ears for all these years.”

New York Times reporter Hiroko Tabuchi broke the story while investigating rumors Doraemon allegedly used Twitter to send photos of his “ear bulges” to young anime characters.

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” said a tearful Doraemon, “I have not been honest with myself, my family, my constituents, my friends.”

“Mmmphth,” said Hello Kitty, an alleged recipient of Doraemon’s lewd tweets, but had no further comment because she has no mouth.

“China invented ear bulges during the Han Dynasty,” commented Chinese historian Ting Budong, “and this invention is celebrated on the 4th day of the 6th month by all patriotic Chinese.”

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In other news, punctuation is important: “the penis mightier than the S word.”