(Photo Credit: Korean Central News Agency)
PYONGYANG, North Korea (IG News) — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea called upon the people of North Korea to “give up their thumbs for Supreme Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Un.”
“To be thumbless is glorious,“ said Pabo Ya, supreme general spokesperson of the Korean People’s Malnutrition Corps, “only wicked foreigners need opposable digits.”
“I’d give up anything to be a human bulwark or human shield,” gushed Juleum Popi, captain of the synchronized starvation club at the Kim Song-Il School for Young Revolutionaries, “then play in the Socialist Fairyland!”
“I support Lil’ Kim all the way,” said former United States Senator Richard John “Rick” Santorum, “the North Koreans really know how to prevent thumb-on-thumb sex.”
“Supreme Leader? I don’t think so, that would be me,” commented singer Diana Ross, “Set me free, why don’t you babe?”
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In other news, Lil’ Kim Jong Un announced his 2012 new year resolutions: (1) lose weight, (2) trade nukes for food, and (3) guest star on Glee.
IG News (Tokyo) — Girl group sensation AKB-48’s latest single to hit the top of charts is “Slurp My Noodles, Daddy!”
“Churu-churu!, churu-churu!,” rapped lead singer Atama Karrapo, “slurp my noodles, daddy, drink my broth! Churu-churu!, churu-churu!”
“Oh, I spilled some tsuyu on my tummy!” squeaked Rita Roh, the girl who can’t sing or dance but the producer likes her, “I’ve been a bad, bad girl. You know what happens to bad girls? Hee-hee!”
Rumors are flying on Twitter that Lady Gaga declined to appear with AKB-48 during a recent tour in Japan because she “didn’t want to be upstaged.”
Asked for comment, record label A Vex’d spokesperson Perky Oppai said, “No, no, those aren’t anal beads.”
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In other news, Russian sleeper spies forget to wake up.
BISHOUNEN, Japan (IG News) — “Kyaaah!” “Sugoooi!” “Umasou!” High-pitched screams of delight filled the air yesterday as the seasonal ban on hunting down little boys in the ocean was lifted across Japan.
Little boys are released into the water, where young women hunt them down relentlessly in an ancient tradition dating back to last summer.
A handful of these little boys are captured alive and sold into slavery in the Japanese entertainment industry.
The rest are herded into a hidden cove, then forced to watch Glee until their heads explode.
Activists claim that little boys contain dangerously high levels of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails, and thus should not be used in really cheap bento sold on the streets of Tokyo.
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In other news, Asian-American dolphins protest use of Japanese dolphins in “The Cove.”
YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.
「おおおう！しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.
About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.
“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”
Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”
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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.