YOMAMA, Biyachi Preference (IG News) — A local man in samurai costume begins his backwards-horsetop-descent down a steep hill during the Gyaku-Uma-Sagari festival in Yomama, Biyachi Prefecture on May 6, 2010.
「おおおう！しっと!」 cried Hontowa Gei invoking a centuries-old ritual before tumbling down the hill repeatedly in front of friends, family, and people with being-crushed-by-horses fetishes.
About 100,000 people attended the traditional event, which is designated as a intangible cultural asset despite the absence of phallic objects or any connection with Tiger Woods.
“I’m getting too old for this shit,” sighed Naisu Ojisandayo, celebrating his 70th year as the event’s official nice-old-guy-in-white-cap, “young guys always piss their fundoshi and expect me to clean up. I get no respect!”
Event officials denied any cruelty to the horses, “Au Contraire, Mon Frère! The horses get a big kick out of crushing young guys to death. It’s an unique equine cultural practice that we don’t presume to judge.”
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In other news, Martians say no to relocation of Futenma air station.
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(Photo: Shinto Shrine Maidens preparing to be sacrificed at the annual “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” matsuri festival in Ookii Chinpoko, Kintama Prefecture.)
JAPAN (IG News)–Pocari Sweat, famed for being named after a bodily coolant, launched a new line of sexual energy drinks inspired by Tiger Woods and tag-lined “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese facial preferences.
Coca-Cola Japan, purveyor of the finest addictive beverages, counter-attacked December 7th, a day that shall live in infamy, with Coke(tm) Lobotomy Lube(R) in a Facebook-cloned social media campaign called “Remember Red Pearl Necklaces!”
“I scream, you scream, we all es cream for Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice,” gushed Shrine Maidens Perky Oppai and Shirigaru Onna, who then whined gutturally in their best moe voices, “Onii-chan (older brother) please touch me nau \{>v<};/<< orz<3 >> EOT.”
Dancing ST-HO @TandyChews BIMHO commented “Once Otaku, Never Bakufu” channeling Chushingura, the epic tale of futile revenge in a blaze of glory ending in ritual group suicide in Nippon.
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In other news, Sexy Girls in the Crowd Go Wild.
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TOKYO — The Japanese people are busy preparing for celebrate 2010 as the “Year of Tiger Woods” including traditional fertility festivals featuring o-mikoshi mobile penis shrine parades.
“The new year, 2010, will be the year of the Tiger in the traditional lunar calendar,” explained Shinto priest Ookii Chinpoko, “and the Tiger is the symbol of power, virility, and compulsive shagging.”
“Kawaii! I bet that shaft is stiff yet controllable,” cackled Ecchina Obasan, “and the over-sized head will surely hit my sweet spot but good.”
PR spokesperson for corporate sponsor Sagami Rubber Co., Ltd. Perky Oppai panted, “Tiger Woods is the prefect pitchman for our new line of ‘Huge’ condoms.”
Sports drink maker Pocari Sweat announced a new line of sexual energy drinks called, “Tiger Woods’ Woodie Juice” with the slogan, “Is it on you?” in a nod to Japanese cultural preferences.
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In other news, Japanese prime minster Yukio Hatoyama announced his decision to take an “indefinite” leave from making any decisions on anything.
Posted via email from invisiblegaijin
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