train

Tokyo Metropolitan Police today announced the second arrest in the widely-publicized-thus-less-effective-than-it-would-have-been-if-it-was-a-complete-surprise anti-train groper campaign that was launched earlier this week.

Aho Bakatare, a 49-year-old self-professed “mama’s boy,” was arrested when he was caught in the act of fondling the wheels of a Shinkansen train as it was leaving Tokyo Station, cutting off most of his fingers.

Bakatare has admitted his crimes, confessing, “The wheels were shiny and new, curvaceous, so hard like steel yet lush and ripe. Once I started touching the rims, I couldn’t stop myself, I had to touch the wheels. The train didn’t say anything so I thought it was okay.”

The alleged victim, Nozomi 69, cried, “I was shocked. I felt so unclean. Was it my fault? Now I all want is to squash the bastard under my steel wheels repeatedly until he’s toast, or mochi, depending upon your cultural preferences.”

JR East officials commented, “We’re still working out the details but we are seriously considering rush-hour ‘Train-Only Trains’ to stop train groping in its tracks.”

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In other news, Crasher Squirrel denied allegations of train groping, commenting, “Hey, I was just looking for a place to hide my nuts!”

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Tagged as: humor, satire, sexy girls, shinkansen, train, train groper